


only in dreams will I find you again

by spicywatson



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, Episode: s05e11 They Did What?, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, I am so sorry, M/M, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, idk there were 3 lines that sound like they kind of suggest it, kind of but not really??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-25 17:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22260013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicywatson/pseuds/spicywatson
Summary: They line up the other bodies alongside the crumbling barricade. Oswald is one of them.[please read the tags.]
Relationships: Edward Nygma & Leslie Thompkins, Jim Gordon & Edward Nygma, Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Comments: 19
Kudos: 89





	only in dreams will I find you again

It’s a brutal, bloody battle up on that massive barricade but they win nonetheless. Eduardo Dorrance is defeated, lying on the pavement among his fallen henchmen with a bleeding wound right between his eyes.

They line up the other bodies alongside the crumbling barricade. Oswald is one of them.

Ed trudges beside the spread of broken, bloodied corpses, carefully stepping over crushed chunks of brick and bullet casings. Feeling his heart sinking, he finally finds Oswald again. He grips the cracked red glasses tighter in his fist, holding onto them for the brief comfort of it.

Oswald’s undamaged eye had been open when he died beside Ed, and still when the remaining GCPD soldiers ripped him away from Ed. Someone must have closed it after he’d been laid here. Ed doesn’t know whether he should thank them for sparing him the image of Oswald’s glassy, unseeing eye, or if he should curse them for denying him one last look at the familiar, lovely green. 

Ed kneels next to him, feeling the nausea clutching at his stomach now swelling up into his throat. He holds a shaking hand up to his lips, feels the stinging in his eyes.

Even now, with a brutal, gaping wound marring half his face and his pure white cheeks dusted and charred, he’s still beautiful. Too beautiful. Oswald shouldn’t be lying there, among dead things. He should be breathing. He should be plotting city-wide takeovers. He should be throwing lavish parties at his lounge. He should be smiling so wide that it reaches his eyes and makes them sparkle. He should be by Ed’s side, now and forever.

Suddenly, Ed can’t breathe. The glasses slip from his grasp and tumble to the ground beside him. It’s not long before he’s sobbing, deeply, silently, his body crumpling as he reaches his trembling hands to cup Oswald’s cold, pale face. Blood stains his fingers.

He crawls up beside him, lying with him on the cold ground, weeping openly now as his shaking fingers drift over his elegant face, his body. Crying is the only thing he knows to do now, and it wracks his whole body; he can feel how swollen and hot his eyes have become as the tears flood them, and he can feel the agonizing headache already bursting in his skull. But Ed keeps crying until his throat is raw and he’s left squeaking.

And then, from the edges of his vision, Ed swears he can see the faint rise and fall of Oswald’s chest, like his lungs are full once more. Ed cries out, startled. “He- he’s alive! He’s alive he’s breathing he’s still breathing!” He pats Oswald’s cheek frantically, then strokes his skin, thumbs trying to rub color into his bloodless face. “Os- Oswald, come on, come on,” he urges, still struggling to illicit a response.

Strong hands reach under his arms, and someone begins to drag him away. He tries to pull back. “Ed- Ed stop,” comes the gruff voice.

“What are you doing?!” Ed hisses. “Stop it, he’s still alive-” He wrenches his arms away, scrambling to get back to Oswald, his chest heaving with the effort. Jim’s hands instantly grasp onto him again, followed by Harvey’s.

“We need to get him to a hospital!”

“ _No,_ Ed. It’s too late.” Jim’s voice is firm but with a gentleness masked underneath, one Ed can really notice when he looks into his dull, tired eyes.

Ed’s jaw slackens, his shoulders drop. He fixes his eyes back on Oswald, shaking his head, still denying it. Jim is _wrong._

“This is war, Nygma!” Harvey interrupts roughly, shaking his shoulder, and Ed can hear how his voice wavers. “You see how many people we lost today? Good men _gone._ That’s how this works.”

But Jim is pushing Harvey away, muttering to him, telling him to let up. Harvey huffs, removes his hat, wipes his face harshly. He staggers away, head hung as he gazes on his fallen friends.

Ed just keeps taking stuttering breaths. “He’s breathing,” he repeats. Why will no one _listen_ to him?

Now Lee kneels beside Ed, resting a gentle hand between his shoulder blades. “Ed,” she begins, delicate and soft, “I checked him myself.”

“No, no,” Ed chokes out between gasping sobs, “He’s breathing. I saw it!”

And Lee’s eyes are so _sad_ , so kind and so pitying. “No, Ed. He’s gone.”

Even grasping onto that last unravelling thread of hope, Ed knew all along, deep down. He yanks himself out of her grasp, rising so quick it has his head spinning and sends him stumbling backward. He falls hard to the ground, brick and shrapnel bruising him, cutting his hands as he catches himself.

He presses the scraped heels of his hands into his eyes, and he can’t stop this. He’s choking on air again, endless tears falling for the man he fell in love with. For the man who didn’t know how much he really meant to Ed. 

Oswald was everything to him. His whole world, his moon and stars. As they worked together, plotting their escape, and when Oswald brought Ed meals and cups of tea as he built their submarine, Ed began to realize, finally, that there wasn’t anyone else for him. That Oswald might just be meant for him, and he for Oswald.

But now he’s gone. And it’s all Ed’s fault.

Why didn’t he do anything? Why, when that grenade landed in front of them, did he freeze? _Why didn’t he protect the one he loves?_

Instead, Oswald threw himself on top of Ed, shielding him from the blast, and then slumped over into his arms. He sacrificed himself. For Ed. 

He chokes on a sob. His fingers search the ground aimlessly until they find Oswald’s broken, bloodied glasses. He holds them to his heart. Lays his head against Oswald’s still chest.

How can Ed go on? He doesn’t want to go on. He doesn’t think he _can_ go on.

\-----------------------------------------------

In his dreams, Oswald is there. Ed can hold his hand and kiss him tenderly like he deserves. He can cry happy tears when Oswald smiles at him, eyes bright and beautiful.

In his dreams, Ed has the chance to tell Oswald how he feels.

In his dreams, Oswald stays by his side, forever and always.

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself nauseous writing this and that's why I don't usually write things that are this distressing aflskd
> 
> I am so sorry


End file.
